《生命必須回頭才能理解》

方偉達老師 2016年11月15日撰 原刊於方老師臉書

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今天剛走進幼兒園,王園長說他壓力好大,因為今天一天都是家長的觀課日。我笑一下:『應該是家長壓力很大吧』。果不其然,我一進教室就應驗了。竣竣班上的同學,我算是熟悉,因為我從小班到中班,每隔一年都會為他們講故事,每次小朋友都是笑到東倒西歪,要老師出面糾正。但是我仔細環顧了一圈,發覺小朋友們的面貌我都已經不認識了,上了大班,長相都不同了。

今天的功課是水果拼盤的輕土創作,老師講了十五分鐘。給了四位觀課的家長每位各一個盤子,要開始創作了。我心中在低咕,怎麼幼兒園也搞起我們研究所所謂的質化研究中之互為主體(intersubjectivity)。家長觀課不但是觀察者,同時也是學生,也要繳作業。但是只有十五分鐘的創作期間。我旁邊的家長,一直在稱讚別家的小孩做得好,我倒是很難分心,也不多話,一遇到創作,我馬上左腦思辯能力立即封閉,進入到右腦預設模式(default modular),甚至進入到物我兩忘的心流(flow)狀態。腦袋中開始浮現過去小時候幼兒園的光景,大概這是五十歲人才有的現象吧。

我想起杜威.德拉伊斯瑪在《懷舊製造所:記憶、時間與老去的抒情三重奏》(2016)(The Nostalgia Factory: Memory, Time and Ageing)中所說,當年華老去,時間越走越快,他問道為什麼人到中年,會開始想念老同學,特別熱中辦同學會?

我突然想起最近小學同學,三十八年來不再見面,最近用LINE頻頻連線,一天要灌上30個訊息。我手上不停搓弄黏土,彷彿是拾撿過去在幼稚園中失去的光陰。想起那個只用左腦,我拼命舉手回答老師的問題,想要拼到一個最後的獎品。當獎品到手之後,發覺老師呼弄我,我感到受到欺騙,原來四十五年前的獎品,只是一支廉價的鉛筆,當時五歲的我,充滿了勝利之後失落感。我想到過去四十五年前的幼兒園的往事,太過於競爭而爭強好勝。同時,多年來,讀書活在自己的世界之中,成為常態。從幼兒園、小學、中學到大學,這種左腦賽事下之強烈競爭,在贏得獎品的時候,也失去了同學之間的友誼和連繫。所有同學就像是斷了風箏的線,我拉在手上,緊緊不放,卻也失去了風箏。斷了線的風箏,就是一種友情遭到吹散的象徵。

從想像中拉回現實,我畫了太陽、星星、彩虹、月亮、白雲、藍天,象徵幼兒園的班級名稱,又做了蘋果、香蕉、葡萄。竣竣坐在我旁邊,十五分鐘之後,他也已經做好了。他做的水果是平面,我做的水果是立體。唉,有時候連自己的兒子都要拿來和自己五歲的時候比一比,這個不太好吧。老師說:『把拔,這個獎品你可以帶回家』。五十歲了,發覺原來獎品就在自己玩耍的一種遊戲當中,這一種遊戲,當作是自我的療癒和懷舊過程。我想到哲學家齊克果曾說:「生命必須回頭才能理解。」原來在幼兒園觀課,遠比我在大學部和研究所的課堂中,還要讓我產生了「記憶是一種重建」的療癒感受。

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136 thoughts on “《生命必須回頭才能理解》

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